thinking aloud..

You know... sometimes, I really consider packing bags for everyone, calling Brian to come home from work to come with us... and just driving FAR far away... I don't have a destination in mind... I just want to be anywhere but "here."

I'm convinced that even if Brian and I moved to South Africa we'd have the same relationship with our friends and family that we have now... which makes me sad. Somewhere along the road, between moving 30480409 times and having children, Brian and I lost a lot of important relationships. I miss them. I miss the people that helped shape me and support me through some of the hardest times in my life. Times when I felt like utter dirt, but knowing I had "them" I would be alright. They still love me... but now, I feel like even talking to me is a chore. I am very thankful for the people that check on me, make sure I'm doing okay, appreciate me checking on them... I'm so thankful for my parents, they help me and care when I'm going through a hard time... and I know a lot of other people my age can't say that.

I make sure to send Christmas cards to everyone in my address book. If I don't have the address for someone I want to send a card to, I call them! I want them to know that even if we don't talk as often as I wish, I still miss them. I don't know why, because October is my favorite month, but I always get a little bit nostalgic... One of the worst days in my life happened on October 2, 2001. Hard to believe it's been 6 years... and though I have accepted that lesson and learned from it, I still get an overwhelming feeling... a feeling hard to describe. Sort of a mix between saddness, enlightenment, fear, accomplishment, and "kicked-in-the-stomach-ness," (sorry, I couldn't think of a better way to describe it.) Which always lead me to prayer, my only retreat away from the things of this earth that I just want to run away from... which I'm so thankful for.

This was random.. I know. Sometimes I'm just scatterbrained and feel the urge to write... I've just been thinking lately about relationships and I'm so disappointed in the ones in my life right now... I have a great family, and I guess I just feel a little lost because holidays aren't the same anymore for reasons that people cannot change, and I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that life has changed so much in the recent years and there's no going back... I'll be cooking for Thanksgiving, and I have no idea how... I'm scared and I wish I was more prepared for this. It's like everyone is going in different directions and well, I just don't handle changes well. I'd be lying if said I had it all under control... I'm just not sure how to "cope" with all the changes.