How about a happy update?

Well... in the process of mourning, I've learned that maintaining perspective is the most important and DIFFICULT thing to do. God has put this tragedy in our lives... and it's up to us to say, "Ok God, this is all in Your hands. I won't question it... I'll lean on You when I feel my heart is broken in 2."

So that's what I shall do... prayerfully, and in His will... that's what I'll do.

Onward... So it's been a while since I've updated my blog. Life happens, and I just can't seem to keep up with this. So here's my attempt at a big update in one swift move.

Alexxa's doing great in kindergarten. We celebrated her 100th day of school recently. We made a hat with 100 things on it (give or take, since Lily and Caleb helped). She will be starting tee ball in the spring and I really hope she likes it. She played soccer last year, and didn't like how much she had to run lol... But she finished the season nonetheless. I was hoping Caleb would make the age mark, but the poor thing is 3 months shy of the deadline. We'll have to wait until next year... but he is SO good!!

Which brings me to Caleb's schooling... What a blessing it's been! I can't believe the leaps and bounds he makes daily! His speech seems to have improved greatly! I am so impressed with how he's picked up his ABC's. He can recognize about 20 letters, and say what they sound like. He can count to 15. He's just amazing... such a sweet boy. His favorite part of school is breakfast with his friends, lol... and he LOVES riding the bus.

Lily is the funniest kid I know. The things she says and does are just hilarious. She sings everything... I tell everyone she has her own little soundtrack throughout the day, written and composed by her of course. I've really been enjoying our Mommy and Lily time we have in the morning while Caleb's in school. And she waits by the door for Caleb to come home. They melt my heart!

So... it looks like we're moving again! We called our landlords as it started getting warmer because last year the air conditioning for this house just wasn't cutting it... They said they just closed on a house in a better neighborhood and better A/C if we were interested in moving into it. We weighed our options and it seems to be a good move for all of us... So we're getting ready to start packing so we can move out within the next few weeks. That makes 9 moves in less than 5 years, yippee!!

More to come... I'll have to post pictures of the projects I've been working on, they'll blow your mind! :)

Jared's Funeral

This past week has been such a difficult week. Probably the most difficult (emotionally) than I've ever faced.

I am so glad it's over. There's such a sense of peace that follows a funeral. Knowing that from here on out, we'll be grieving on our own pace, now that he's been laid to rest.

We decided to have an open casket. My dad mentioned he didn't have as much of a closure when his father didn't have an open casket. I was really worried about how it would affect me. I'm glad we got to see him again... I think had I not, I would have just felt like "Jared's still in Dallas." To me, it didn't look like him. I could only really see "him" in his eye brows and hands... It almost felt like if I stared long enough, he looked like he was breathing... But obviously he wasn't. Hearing people paint a picture of who Jared was helped... everyone seemed to have very accurate words for who he was and what he meant to us. I wasn't planning on going up to speak about him, but after my sister did, I felt like I had to and if I didn't I would regret it. I'm glad I did... I'm sure I didn't make much sense, but I had to say something... even if it didn't make sense. He was my brother. And I'll miss him always... To see him so helpless broke me in ways I can't explain.

In this, I've learned a lot of compassion for those that have lost someone close to them. Before this, I've never really lost anyone too close. It's strange how the grief hits... Sort of like in waves... I'll be fine, then I'll have something remind me of him, and I lose it. I go through periods of blaming people, to anger, to peace... It's so unpredictable. Although, I'm looking forward to a time when I can look back on this period, instead of being in the middle of it. Everyone says "everyday gets easier.. and eventually you'll think of him and smile, not cry." I'm looking forward to that. In the slideshow we made for the funeral, the song says "Keep me in your heart for a while.. sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house, maybe you'll think of me and smile." And since all I DO is simple things around the house, I think of him. I think of things that prior to Feb 15th, didn't really have any importance... but now, they remind me how precious our time is together on this temporary Earth.

The flowers for the service were gorgeous... thank you to everyone that sent them. My aunt Yvonne sent a gorgeous plant, that I've make my goal to keep alive so when it's big enough, I can give a piece to my dad, sister and mom to carry on this plant. A group of wonderful women had a star named for Jared. It's 3 stars away from the handle of the big dipper (Straight above it). We found it last night at my dad's house... It was one of the coolest things to have in Jared's honor. We had it proudly displayed at the service for Jared. Everyone mentioned how wonderful it was! I'm so blessed to know these kind and generous people! Just knowing people were thinking and praying for me has brought me so much peace.

I'll post some pictures from his funeral and his slideshow.

Slideshow:


The star and stuffed animals sent by the greatest women:










The Plant I'm determined to keep alive:

My Brother, Jared

I know, I say I'm going to keep up with my blog. I think of all the ways I'm going to remember... until.... I forget. Unless something spectacular or devastating happens, I completely forget to jot it in my good 'ol blog... Well.. unfortunately, it's devastating news today.

My brother, Jared Allen, passed away early this morning. Still unsure of the details, we know he was using a couple different pills, didn't feel well, went home and fell asleep. He never awoke.

My heart is aching.. It's so hard to describe. Just last week, I was telling my friend how Brian and I haven't known anyone close to us to die. And this week, I feel like I have a whole new understanding of what it means to grieve.

My brother was different than most... He was quick. He was easily liked. He was witty and people were drawn to him. He made friends easily... and was known as the class clown. He drove his teachers nuts... I know that because as soon as they'd call my name on the first day of school, they'd say, "Sierra ALLEN? Do you have a BROTHER?" And I could only assume what sort of torture they had previously endured by him... However, he WAS funny.


His classmates loved him. Most people that knew him right before he died, only know him for what he is now. I know him for what he's been my whole life. He was my big brother. Though after high school and my parents divorce, we seemed to go our separate ways and high schools, he was still my big brother. He'd take my kids to the park... and tell me how cool he thought my son was for doing certain things. He was very interested in changing children's lives in the future. He was pursuing a degree to do just that... and for that I commend him. He was driven to reach those kids that others weren't sure how to. He wanted help them. And I'm confident he would have.

Sadly, this will be the third friend I've known to pass due to taking medications. Sean Efford, Tyler Fitzpatrick, and now my big brother, Jared Allen. It pained me to see the utterly lost look on my friend's parent's faces. And now, to see it on my parents' and mine... it's something I will never over come. As a parent, with a little boy of my own, it practically paralyzes me to think of any of my children passing before me. It's so unnatural to think of my parents welcoming him into this world, and then to have to witness him leaving. The 3 year old, apple of my eye, Caleb, is what Jared was once to my parents. Their 3 year old, testing limits, warming their hearts with just a smile or a hug... the feelings they must have right now, I can't even put into words.

As a child, I never imagined I'd grow up and be faced with preparing a funeral for my brother. As much as he'd drive me crazy, it always hurt me to see him hurt. He's my brother... and I love him. And I will always hold a place for him in my heart. Seeing him struggle these past couple of years, I've prayed and prayed that God would lay His hand on Jared, and bring him through this to see His light. And I'm confident I'll see my brother again... Only God knows my brother's heart, and I will pray everyday that I may see him again.

Now. We pray some more.

Dear God,
First, I want to pray for all the friends and family members grieving the loss of a one of a kind guy. So many people are experiencing a loss that you know all too well. I pray for my parents, who are struggling with the loss of their only son. I pray for my sister, that she'd lean on Christ during this season. I pray that God lift all of us up, so that we may KNOW that HE is in CONTROL! That we may know that only He can give us peace and understanding. I pray that Jared be comforted in the arms of Jesus, that he rest on Him, knowing the truth. I pray that I have the words to comfort those in pain, and to have the right words spoken to me, words that lead me to rely on Christ, not others. I pray that we are able to accept this, and use this experience in our testimonies as a time God led us through our pain to Him.
In His name,
Jesus Christ,
Amen