I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
The last month has been one of the most trying months of my life. To make a long story short, we lived with my in laws, we had a falling out, and moved out. After several altercations, that I was hardly innocent in, I finally was fed up. To vent my frustrations, I hopped on my new blog to voice my issues with my mother in law. Unaware of who actually read my blogs (as I only sent out a link to my close friends and family,) she ended up seeing it. Had I known she were going to see it, I definitely wouldn't have written it. There were things said that should never be aired about anyone, much less my husband's family.
We later were told that she had in fact seen it. At first, I have to say, I did feel a sense of vindication. I was hurt and let my emotions get ahead of my morals, and the morals God has set for me. In the beginning I justified it as, "she wasn't supposed to read it, it's not my fault she did, I was venting." Close to 2 weeks later, I still felt immense guilt. Guilt I couldn't shake. Guilt God was holding me accountable for. I didn't want to admit it, but I felt horrible. The whole idea of venting was to feel better. And usually, when I write in my journal and pray for the problems that I have, I feel better. But this time I didn't. I felt even worse than I did before... And at this point I feel like the only way I can forgive her is if I forgive myself and ask for forgiveness from her and God. I wasn't innocent in this whole falling out. Sure, a lot of it would have been avoided on her part if she had just talked to us. I certainly felt let down in the fact that she didn't value my relationship enough to talk to me about something bothering her... and the fact that I felt like instead of telling me how she felt she retaliated, which only fueled the situation. Regardless of what she did, I under no circumstance was entitled in bashing her. Bashing her in a way that was probably embarrassing and cruel... I truly didn't expect her to ever see it, but as we found out, the Web isn't nearly as vast as we thought, and I should have acknowledged that. And just as I wrote those horribe words publicly, it's only fitting that I should publicly and humbly apologize, recant and repent for putting any more harm to her or her family through my unthinking words. I'm truly sorry. I hope that my words were in no way a reflection of me or commitment to God, but more a moment of weakness and opportunity. I learned a valuable lesson in how I need to constantly censor myself in a way that is pleasing to God as to glorify Him. I know I'm not perfect, but I certainly need to set an example for my children, and I feel like I've let them down.

Again, I'm very sorry and disappointed in myself. I hope that anyone I hurt can begin to forgive me.